Fall Break

Hello!

So I'm on Fall Break right now. I got back from New York City yesterday, and then hung out with this girl from school that randomly asked me to hang out with her. Who knows - maybe we'll end up being friends. Anyway, I am in love with NYC! It's completely amazing. There are so many people there and so much culture. Going to NYU for college would be great, but sadly I doubt that my mom would let me - at least for undergrad school. I don't think I'd ever get bored if I lived there, which would be one of the best things about living there. In the city where I live now, there is very little to do, especially since I've lived here all my life. I hate doing the same things over and over again on the weekends. Also, it is really fall up there - it was in the low 60s mostly while I was there, and here it's still like 70s (it does get cold at night though... yay!!). I'm ready to jump into leaf piles, sip hot chocolate and feel my nose get cold when I'm outside.

PS:

I took the picture in the financial district on Wedenesday from the back of a Taxi.

:P

I miss two years ago. [PS: I LOVE Taco Bell.]

Hello everyone!

So it's been a while... How are you doing?

Remember that intense game that our school played last Friday? We lost. For the tenth year in a row. Geez the football program SUCKS!!! Yet they give it the most funding and the least to less popular sports like crew even though they win state every year. What is that about?

After the game I got to see this girl that I was really close to two years ago when she was a senior and I was a freshman. She was seriously like my hero, and in a way she always will be. It seemed like she was loved by everyone who knew her, she had the best attitude in the world, I had more fun with her than with anyone else, and plus she was a senior. Getting to hang out with her and all the other seniors on the weekends put me on top of the world. Now, whenever I see her, it's like a trip back in time. I'm still the freshman and she's still the senior. I miss that time of my life - everything was simpler then. I miss simplicity. On the other hand, I hate seeing her because it makes me miss her so much. She was like a big sister to me, and even though I miss her randomly anyway, I really miss her whenever I see her, but at the same time, getting to talk to her for a while was the best surprise I've gotten in a long time.

After that, my friends and I hung out on the peir for a while and walked around downtown. Then we went to Taco Bell to get Cheesy Beefy Melts (If you haven't had one, you haven't lived. They are absolutely AMAZING). The girl in front of us was a complete idiot. She took like ten years to order, but the best part was, as she was pulling up to get her food, she ran into the little counter thing and knocked the side mirror completely off of her car. I almost peed on myself I was laughing so hard!! She had to have been drunk or something - after all, there are very few people who go to Taco Bell in the wee hours of the morning if they're not under the influence of something (I guess I am one of those few who do... haha).

The only thing that's bothering me is that one of my best friends is acting really weird. She usually calls me during lunch and then asks me to come to her dorm and we chill there, but that hasn't happened lately. All the little things tha are starting to add up. I feel like I'm the only one putting forth any effort (geez this sounds like I'm dating her - sorry for that!), so when she called tonight to ask if I could take her to the grocery store, I said no. When we hang out, we have fun, but it just seems like she isn't reaching out to me like she usually does. We took that road trip a few days ago, and I thought that fixed it, but apparently not. I was hoping it would blow over, but I guess now I'll have to use confrontation. Baaah! I hate confrontation. I really hope it's nothing I've done. I can't think of anything, but who knows - people are so weird about the most random things sometimes. I guess I'll talk to her about it tomorrow so I get to it before break.

Leave me some love and I promise I'll return the favor!
:)

Some good things and some bad...

Last night when I got home, I went into my sister's room to talk to her since I really don't get to see her much anymore. I asked her what was wrong and I get the uniform "Nothing," which obviously means something. To make a long story short, she ended up telling me that she and my mom would be a lot happier if I wasn't here. Ever. The thing is that my mom was standing right there, and she didn't do a thing to stop her. She just stood in the doorway watching, arms crossed.

Yes, I did leave for part of the time, and I knew that would be hard for her, but we talked about it. I thought this was over. If she needed to talk more, I assumed that she'd pick up a phone and call. She obviously can do that - she sent 22,500 text messages to her boyfriend last month. I apologized to her for my being gone so often, but I never raised my voice. She told me to fuck off and get out and all I did was listen. I never replied. She asked me to reply, tried to prod me into getting angry and I told her that I had nothing to say to her. I couldn't handle being here, so I drove to my best friend's house. I cannot tell you how amazing it was to just collapse and have her right there to pick me up. We sat in her front yard and I cried and she hugged me and she listened.

I don't know what I'm going to do about this situation. If she doesn't want me there, I won't be. I'm sorry that she feels abandoned, but she should have talked to me about it before she was this upset. I told her when I left that it was important to me that she was okay with it, and that I wanted her to say something if she wasn't. I'm sorry that our family doesn't get along as well when I'm here, but I already knew that. It's why I left in the first place. I can't take this anymore. I can't take being treated like some sort of monster with no feelings. Maybe I am older, and maybe I'm less needy than she is, but I still have feelings. Ugh!

Tonight I'm about to head off to my best friend's house again, and then we're going to paint some spirit up around the area... :) My school's football team is playing their ULTIMATE rival tomorrow night, and it's a huge deal - the foreign kids say it's kinda like World Cup on a smaller scale. We get to dress up for school all week long (Today was twin day, tomorrow is red day because our school's colors are red, etc). A lot of guys make homemade flags for their cars and almost everyone with a car paints it with that car paint stuff. The entire campus is covered in signs/flags, and the school even bought this huge truck for seniors to drive around town in with a microphone on it and a fake tiger in the back. Ah I'm so excited for the game tomorrow!!!! I don't even like football, but this game consumes the entire city. Well, maybe not the entire city (I think there are around 1,000,000 in the whole town), but last year 17,000 people came. Pretty impressive for a high school game...

The Weekend.

So yesterday I took the road trip with my bff and we met her parents half-way between her town and here because her stepdad had this doctor's confrence there. It was fun, but I felt really bad because I could tell that seeing them was making her really homesick. I tried to cheer her up on the way back, and I think it worked. We stopped at a fireworks store, which was fun, and the ride back gave us a chance to really get to talk to each other about serious stuff. Cars are the best places to talk to people. You can talk about anything there because you're all alone, you don't have to make eye contact, and you know no one else can hear. We mostly talked about our parents. She's going through a lot of the same things that I am with her parents. She's the other way around though - her dad's a dick and her mom's really cool.

Anyway, we got back into town arond 8 and then I had to run by mom's house to get clothes and stuff before I left to spend the night at my friend's apartment last night and my dad's until Wed. While I was there, my mom got really mad at me because she didn't want me to go to my dad's. She started accusing him of doing all these horrible things during the divorce and everything - like she was trying to get me to side with her. Why can't parents ever be mature? She's almost 50 years old, and she's accusing him of doing things that happened (or didn't happen) ten years ago. Seriously... I guess it's just really hard for me to be around her when she's like that because for so long I thought she would never lie to me, and now I don't know where the truth lies. She has so much anger, and she's so decietful. I'm really shaken by her now. I can't look at her the same way I did before all of this. I can't even imagine what would have happened if I had stayed any longer than I did, or if my friend hadn't been downstairs talking to my sister. I couldn't take it any more, and I just got my stuff and walked out the door. I dropped my bff off at the dorm and went over to my friend's apartment - one of my good friends that graduated last year - for the rest of the night. We had a great time too - ended up going to Krystal at around 3:00am for a Sackful.
:]

My mom wonders why my friends means so much to me. I guess she never stopped to think about the fact that I trust them more than I trust her. I can't imagine all this without my best friends. Maybe they're not related to me, but I seriously consider them my family at this point.

Hold on Loosely...

I see it all around you,
good lovin' gone bad.
Usually it's too late when you
realize what you had,
and my mind goes back to a girl
I met some years ago
who told me:
Just hold on loosely,
but don't let go.
If you cling too tightly,
you're gonna lose control.
You're gonna need someone to believe in
and hold on a space to breathe in.
.38 Special


Alright so tonight I got home around 10:00, and I decided to take a walk because I was just feeling really weird. I went down to this vacant house at the end of my street where I go when I need to think. I just sat there for a while and thought about everything that's been going on, and I realized that my abandonment issues are really effecting every relationship I have. I lock onto people too much I think, and it tends to end up with me caring about them a whole lot, and them not really caring much at all. The whole thing started when I was two and my dad left my mom my sister and I, but there have been others the rest of the way. I realized that this hole becomes really obvious to me whenever I don't feel included or people leave (I.e. they go to college, move away, go to rehab, switch schools, or whatever.) and then I try desperately to fill that hole, which leads to people pulling away when they actually wouldn't have in the first place - obviously everyone feels left out occasionally. I realized that I need to be okay with being left out from certain things, especially since all my friends now are boarders. I need to "Hold on Loosely, " and I also need to stop getting locked in too quickly. It's always hang out constantly, get really close, then all of a sudden, it's over. My relationships are always so intense - never gradually getting closer and closer. There's never a foundation, and almost every time I can think of, that becomes a major problem about six or eight months later. Looking back, the relationships that have lasted in my life are the ones where I've had someone else as my "number one" and I've slowly built a foundation with the other person.

This all sounds completely mad I'm sure - perhaps I'm losing my mind? Perhaps I'm finding it - who really knows the difference anyway?
:P

This Time Tomorrow...

This time tomorrow,
where will we be?
On a spaceship somewhere,
sailing across an empty sea?
This time tomorrow what will we know?
Wil we still be here,
watching an in-flight movie show?
Leave the sun behind me,
and I watch the clouds as they sadly pass me by,
several miles below me,
I can see the world and it ain't so big at all.
*The Kinks*

Today I had an SAT/PSAT prep class. Thinking about all that stuff makes me really anxious. Last year I did well on the PSAT and the ACT - a 206 and a 31, but I'm worried that I just got lucky on the PSAT. I'm so concerned that I stumbled across that score, and this year, the year when it counts, I won't do as well. We did a bunch of practice problems just to put out minds back into that gear, and I did alright, but not outstandingly amazing or anything! My school is starting to force us to focus on colleges on close to a daily basis in some way or another. College fairs, PSAT/SAT classes, colleges that visit the school, lectures in assembly and practicing for them in classes. It just seems like I should still be a freshman, the people who are college sophomores should still be seniors, and college should remain but a dream in my mind. I can't believe that in the next six months I'll have to pick 5 or so schools that I want to apply to and maybe even apply to one or two in June for early decision. I've been at my school since the 6th grade, and it's so weird to think of me outgrowing it when I've been a "little kid" there for five years. Here are some of my college choices as of right now (they change pretty frequently):

1.) New York University is my number one choice, at least for now. The school is amazing, but the art program in particular is unbeatable, plus my aunt is an entertainer there. She works for MTV/actors/designers there so I wouldn't start off totally alone in the city. Plus I'd get to meet some of her clients. ie Sway, Robin Williams, Kate Spade, Paris/Nikki Hilton, etc. which would be really cool.

[The rest - in no particular order]
University of Tennessee
University of Southern California
Boston University
Auburn University

Do you guys have any opinion on these? Thanks!!
=]

The Seasons Keep Changing, Whether or Not We're Blind...

[First of all, do any of you Jack's Mannequin fans get the reference?? Ah I can find some of his lyrics for just about any situation.]

Mmmkay so right now I'm just sitting at Starbucks, studying and enjoying the aura here. It's much more calm than at home with everyone in their own little worlds, plugged into laptops and sipping the over-priced coffee. Wow how much of a cliche am I right now? haha Anyway I can see why they do it, though.

Moving on...
Thank you for all your comments. I really thought about the USC decision today, and I think I agree with you guys. I'd miss the people here a lot, and I think I'd regret not being a senior in the end. Last night it just seemed so exciting, but I think actually going would be really stupid of me. I mean really, no senior parties, no worthless second semester. I'd just miss out on too much - not really academically, but with the people from high school. After all, Junior year has been death schoolwise, but I'm still enjoying it.

School's getting better and better as I catch back up to the rest of the people in my classes. With the exception of one math test, my grades haven't really changed that much either. I can't wait for Friday though - this weekend my best friend and I are taking a road trip to see one of my good friends that graduated last year up at UT. I haven't seen her since she left in August so I'm really excited, plus there's a football game. Football is really symbolic to me - to me it represents my southern heritage, the coming of fall and it just gives me this sense of belonging. I've loved the Vols ever since I can remember, and it's weird, but it's really one of the only things in my life that has stayed the same over the course of my entire life. I'm really not a southern-minded person at all, but there is definatley a special place in my heart for football. It's so weird how the most random things are what makes you feel the most centered/stable. Who would have guessed?
=]

USC? Next year?? HELP!!!

Alright, so the homework load is still absolutely killing me, but since I ranted about that last night, I'll digress to something more interesting I suppose. Today was a neat day in English class. We just went out into the quad and talked about how much our school's campus has changed and my teacher told a bunch of old myths/ghost stories from the 1800s about people that went to the school then. It was really fun actually. Plus I think my teacher is starting to like me more - I told him that this girl he taught two years ago was one of my best friends (she's in college now) and that seemed to help a lot. I guess she made a good impression...
=)

Anyway, this morning I got up and did homework for about two hours before school (10:00 start) at a coffee place that looks out over the river. It was really nice actually. I ate breakfast and no one bothered me. I'm going there more and more often though, which is also bad - I'm already broke and $4.00 for a cup of coffee is a little steep for me. Somehow I always manage to scrape it up though. Oh how I love my coffee.

On to more serious things...
Today when I got home, there was a letter for me from The University of Southern California. Inviting me to go there. Next year. I am a Junior. Apparently they have some program where you can basicly just skip your senior year and jump right into Freshman year there. I'm seriously considering going. After all, it's a good, well-known college and hello, it's in California... aka the love of my life!! I've been wanting to go to boarding school so badly, but only because college wasn't an option for me yet. I am really excited, but I have a LOT of thinking to do. Giving up senior year? I don't know if that's a good idea, I mean it's supposed to be the best year, right? Then again, all the seniors I know are pretty much worthless. They don't want to be in high school anymore, especially second semester, and they feel like it's just a waste of their time. Plus going to college would be amazing. Less busy work and more of studying things that actually matter - I know what I want to major in (well I think I do, but I can always change it). Plus my friend situation is still sorta weird. I have my close friends, but there's really no one else I hang out with because most of my friends from before have already graduated or live 1000 miles away. I feel like I need to branch out more, but I can't do it at my school because I already know all the people who go there. I want more friends that really matter - I want more. For now I'm just going to spend time with my existing friends because I see no point in hanging out with people where I've "already been down that road - " a road that leads to absolutely nothing but stupid girls who focus only on their boyfriends, what kind of car they drive, how drunk they can get or what they'll be doing this weekend. Who knows. There's a lot more to think about with that. I'm just shocked at the whole thing. I guess the idea of simply going to college a year early never even began to cross my mind.

Give me some opinions on that PLEASE!!! Was senior year totally overrated?? Is it amazing or just an aggravating wait for college? If you were in my situation, would you do it? Anything else you can think of? Thank you all so much!

=)

School = Death.

So I got back to school today and now for the next few days, I'm going to have absolutely NO life. I emailed every one of my teachers before I left to ask what I would miss and I got five "Oh not much, just get the notes" type responses. However, these were all complete lies accept for one class.

For English I have to read 80 pages in a tiny-fonted text book, write an eight paragraph essay on those, then write a research paper, take a vocab quiz with 35 words on it, and finally memorize a poem.

For Physics I have to do a ten-page lab (for a grade), and then answer eighteen pages of short-answer questions on said lab.

For Math I have to make a Power Point and teach the class Mathematical Induction as a project, along with three other "Quick Problems" that really take about 30 minutes each.

For Digital Design I have to re-do half of my project that's taken me the whole semester because the school's server (The school's network has space that you can save stuff to. Supposedly nothing can be lost from it - what a load.) was being updated and they accidentally deleted a bunch of student files.

And for US History I have to read and know twenty four pages in our text book for a test tomorrow that "slipped his mind."

I seriously just want to kill my teachers. I understand that I should have extra work - I missed two days of school - but shouldn't they have told me about at least some of this last week when I asked them about it so that I could start it? Or maybe they could let me turn it in at least one day late? I've been studying since 4 this afternoon and I feel like I've barely made a dent in it all. I'm so stressed out right now. It's totally rediculous. Is all this really necessary? Aaaah! Right now I just want to curl up in my bed and sleep and ignore the rest of the world.

Oh and this is a really random tangent but...
My music mood has switched from Jack's Mannequin, Tokyo Police Club and Hellogoodbye to The Beatles, The Kinks and The Arctic Monkeys. Don't get me wrong - I still LOVE all of the first ones, but I'm really afraid that I'll get tired of them if I keep listening to them constantly (haha). I watched this movie about ten days ago - The Royal Tenenbaums (An amazing movie by the way - go watch it if you haven't seen it. It's really different, but if you watch it with an open mind, it has so many really cool messages. Plus it's hilarious!) so that, in combination with hanging out with my friend's roommate who listens to those people more, started the phase-change I guess. Anyway, try some of those people if you haven't heard of them because they're amazing. Oh... and Ruby Tuesday by the Rolling Stones = Amazing!

Long Time No.... Blog??

Soo it's been a while since I posted - almost a week! Anyway, I'm sorry. It seems like it's been longer than that; I've been so busy!! Anyway, I went down to this camp last Wedenesday to Friday where I was a counselor for my school's Freshman Trip. It was okay. There were definatley ups and downs. It was hilarious to see how immature Freshman are. These last two years really have made a huge difference in my grade's maturity level. It's amazing. You just experience so much in those years, .and it makes you a completely different person. I was on waterfront, which meant that I had about 7 hours to myself in a kayak every day of the trip, while I lifeguarded, and with not much else to do, I thought. I started thinking back to when I was a Freshman, and it's amazing. I hung out with different people, I was totally superficial, I judged before I got to know them (Now I make a conscious effort not to), and I didn't hang out with people if I thought they were "Gothic," "Nerdy," or fit into any steriotype other than the preppy one that I filled myself. Looking back, I'm ashamed and shocked at how I used to act. I judged people based on what my friends thought of them - not what I thought of them, and that horrifies me. It was good for me to go on Freshman Trip. Not only because it looks good on my college resume and I got to miss two days of school, but because it was good for me to look back on the changes that I've been through during high school. I hadn't really thought about it much until now, but I'm just amazed. It also makes me wonder who I will be when I graduate, during college, and even farther into the future. If I've changed this much in two years, who knows where I'll be in three.

Weekend, school...

This weekend was exactly what I needed. My best friend, her roommate and another girl from the dorm took a road trip up to my friend's house for the whole weekend for her birthday. It was great to get away from my parents for 3 entire days and plus it was just really fun. The house is in a small town, so we spent time actually talking instead of just clubbing or whatever... Mario Kart, air hockey, swimming, and a little Guitar Hero. Another night we watched chick-flicks into the wee hours of the morning and then talked the rest of the night. It was like being 13 again, but with a car. We met up with some guys there too, and one of them was amazingly gorgeous! =)

My bff cried when I gave her my present. I took a tissue box (one of our inside jokes) and then wrote the lyrics to our song out on all the tissues. Then I put two CDs from the people who sing the song in the bottom. I love giving people (especially my close friends) something that they will remember years from now. The whole weekend was perfect - for the first time in a long time, nothing went wrong.

Anyway, now it's back to stressful school. I got home around 7:30 tonight (it's a three hour drive), and I've been doing homework and packing since then, and I'm still not finished (It's now almost 12:30am). I had to pack a lot though because I'll be at dad's tomorrow and Tuesday night, then I'm a Freshman Trip instructor until Saturday morning. Homework is really killing me. Lately the load is at like 4 - 4.5 hours per night. There are just not enough hours in the day, and I'm starting to be able to tell. I'm so tired all the time. This year is soo stressful. It's ridiculous. It's like I have a great weekend, but I have a huge price to pay for it tonight and tomorrow. Is all this really necessary to get into college? C'mon, I'm seventeen.

Remember 9/11... or not?

Okay so I went to school today, expecting to hear about the horror that was 9.11 all day long. To my shock, it was only mentioned in one class (English of course), and nobody brought it up in the halls or at lunch either. Yes, hearing the same things over and over again is extremely boring, but shouldn't people do it? I mean that was only six years ago. I just think that it's funny how people refer to it as our country's "darkest hour", yet they barely even remember it happened just six years later. 9.11 has been forgotten; I had a TEACHER ask me what the date was today. This guy wasn't just one of those absent-minded people either. He has two degrees from Dartmouth!! Anyway, I'm not complaining about it (I am certainly in no way, what so ever, patriotic), but I just find it funny that people made such a huge deal over it only six years ago and now it's just completely inconsequential. September 11th is just another day of the week.

Then again, maybe this is just the people at my school caught in their little bubbles that they call lives...
=]


PS: Three friends and I are taking a road trip for the entire weekend!!!! YAY! I'm sooo excited!

Totally random

A short story that I stumbed upon from last Christmas:

There she goes, clutching Teddy's hand with nail-bitten fingers. Who was supposed to keep an eye on her today? There she goes, walking along, walking alone. Doesn't anyone notice the little girl? Shouldn't there be someone? She's so very small in this land that is mall. Giant green trees and good grandfathers in red. Is there anyone here for her? I can hear the voices of a thousand people, talking about what to get Aunt Sue or who's dating who. Maybe there's someone looking for this girl in blue cowboy boots. Maybe they've forgotten. Maybe she's better off alone, dazed by windows filled with treasures, walking along.

Walmart in the morning...

Mmkay so I'm back at my mom's house again. :(

If I just avoid coming home for as long as possible, it's alright. Tonight I went to bowling practice, then to dinner and finally to a Starbucks where I did all my homework. I just got home about an hour ago (around 10) and my mom had just gone to bed when I got here, so it worked out well. I really miss my best friend. I haven't seen her in almost a month because her parents have kept her grounded for so long. It's ridiculous. I just need to see her like at least once a week. I got to talk to her for like two hours tonight, but it just never seems to be enough compared to actually seeing her. I really hate it.

Last night was fun though, my stepmom (I'm going to refer to her as that even though she technically isn't. I just find it much easier.) and I went to dinner at this little Mexican place that has amazing food. Then we went grocerry shopping and had a shopping cart race with the little electric wheelchairs because there wasn't really anyone there. We got some weird stares though... Then we stayed up talking about just random crap until like 1 or so. I really like talking to her at night. It's just a good closing to the day, and it puts me at ease before I go to sleep. I actually function better if I only get like 4 -6 hours of sleep than if I sleep like eight, so it's convenient because it doesn't get in the way of my sleeping habits (she said that she was the same way). Anyway, I really miss being there. On to a weirdish story that I thought was really cool after I thought about what I was thinking at the time(is that clear? haha)...

On Wedenesdays, I have my free period first so I don't have to be at school until 10, but just randomly woke up early anyway (this is a good thing I guess... maybe I'm getting used to school time?) so I went to Walmart to get car paint to decorate my friend's car for her birthday. I was looking through my car for my wallet when I saw these two homeless people just sitting on a bench near the parking lot. At first I felt bad for them, but when I started thinking about it, I actually got a little jealous. I mean yes, it was slightly cold, but they were together there, keeping each other warm, and I just thought to myself, this is how it should be. They were just in their own little world there, sitting and laughing about something, enjoying the talking and the closeness in the chilly morning air. They looked so happy, much happier than the snobby rich people that fill the halls of my school.
And I was jealous.

Switchmans sleeping, train hundred and two is on the wrong track and headed for you...

Today I went to see my therapist, and I fell asleep in her waiting room because I was so tired - I had four and a half hours of homework last night. Two were from my EVIL English teacher, who I am convinced hates all teenagers. He gives out bad grades, even when you work your ass off. For example. after spending those two hours on homework, I recieved an 80 on the quiz that covered the material. It's rediculous. I see nothing wrong with getting an 80, but I spent literally hours on this assignment (read 27 pages about writing papers/speeches/whatever in an English book with print so small you can barely see, then write three two-page essays on various aspects of the lesson) .

Then, my sister called about 10:30 because she left her laptop in my car. Apparently it was my fault even though I nicely (and calmly) offered to meet her and mom somewhere with it, or bring it to her school in the morning. Anyway, she convinced my mom to drive across town (40 min each way) to pick it up at my dad's. When my mom got here, she was pissed at me, and she told me that I should call my sister to appologize. It's unreal what she can get away with. My dad's gf and I started talking about it afterwards, and we ended up talking until 2am. It was a really good conversation, and it made me realize even more how much I shouldn't trust my mom. She lied to me about a lot of things that happened in court during the divorce, and because she lost so badly there, I think she may use my sister and I as weapons against my dad to some degree. She's kept me in the dark all these years, and now I just can't trust her. She said she'd never lie, but I saw the court records. I don't know what's going to come in the future. I'm looking at boarding schools, as usual, but I think my mom is just looking to entertain me, and keep me quiet. I seriously doubt that she'd send me away when the rubber hits the pavement.

Hmmm....

Hello! So I'm back at my mom's house. Living with my dad felt so much more normal... and functional. It was almost weird because I've never had that normal family atmosphere. It's always just been my sister, my mom and my sister with my sister and I perpetually avoiding my mom. It was weird to actually enjoy being around my parents, well parent and his girlfriend. Speaking of her, I came home at night and she'd be there like cooking or something, and if I did badly at school, she understood. It was nice not to get into a huge fight about it for a change. She enjoys being around me, and she's just fun to be around. Like the other day, I was driving home on this four-lane road when I get a phone call from her. All she said was "I bet you can't keep up with me..." and then hung up. She flew past me, and then we raced the rest of the way home, which was like a mile. Anyway, I really liked living there. I was afraid it'd be too weird, but it just felt really normal. Now I'm just wondering why I didn't try it before.

Boy update... Hercules turned out to have a girlfriend back at home (why he talked to me for so long I don't know)... he's a boarder. I worked out with this guy I know yesterday at practice, and for some reason, now I'm really attracted to him. He's not buff though - just in shape. Buff guys are a turnoff for me. In my personal experience, buff = self-centered.

Now I'll Say Goodnight and Go...
[does anyone get the reference ?]
:)

Oh man what a day...

Okay so today I talked to my dad about boarding school, and he asked me to move in with him part of the time. I think he realizes that part of the problem is from my mom - not the school. I haven't tried that in the past because his wife after my mom was horrible [they finally got divorced last spring], and before that I didn't want to because I felt like he had abandoned me when he left my mom.

He just took off. No warning, just an empty house when we came home one day. Both of his cars were gone, and all of his clothes and everything were gone. My mom and my sister and I had gone somewhere, and when we got home, we knew that there was something really wrong because he had closed the garage doors, which he never did. I was only three, but I remember that day like it was yesterday. It's amazing how you can remember days like those so well, even fourteen years later. I think I finally trust him again enough to move in with him - at least for part of the time. It's going to be so weird because I've never lived with him before. Even though I hate living with my mom, I still can't imagine living with him. I've always just spent every other weekend over there, and even then I barely ever spent the night so it'll be a huge change.

I don't know what it will be like, but it's gotta be better than this. I think the last few months have done some damage that will never be undone. My mom and I have just said too many things to each other that you can't take back. I just need a new start. I'd like one for school too, but I guess if this is all I can get, I'll take it. Who knows what will happen, but I'm just going to make the best of whatever comes out of all this. The last six months have just been a blur for me emotionally, and I guess I'm starting to just get used to some pretty big aspects of my life changing.

Telling my mom was not pretty though. She took it to mean that I hate her, but I really don't. I actually think she is a good person on the inside. I'm just afraid that once school starts back up, we'll start to fight like we did last year, and I can't take that right now. Plus, I would like to have a relationship with her in the future, and I don't see that happening with the way everything is going.

Relationship Stuff...

Tonight, I went out with a group. My friend brought this guy she met somewhere, and he was really cool. I'll call him Hercules because he's a wrestler and he's pretty muscular, but not in a weird way... in a hot way :) haha. Anyway, Hercules and I sorta split off from the group for a while and we just hit it off really well. We walked to a pier on the river that runs through downtown. We didn't meet back up with everyone else until almost two hours later when she finally called me to see where we had gone. It made me happy because I haven't been in a relationship in a while, and the more I think about it, the more I miss being with someone. I don't know. It's fun being single too, but I just really need some stability right now with school and my mom and everything.

I really am going to try for this one. I sorta want to hesitate though because it seems like I always end up getting hurt when it comes to relationships. It's always me putting forth a lot of effort and then realizing later that it wasn't worth it. I've been in love once, almost twice, and it always seems to backfire. The first time I fell so hard that for the guy (His name will be Whit), that I seriously couldn't think about anything else. I was with him for a little over a year, and it was absolutely amazing. The end of that was really rough for me though. Right after we broke up, if I let myself think about it too much, I'd literally get sick to the stomach. It was terrible. I didn't think I could go on. I was totally devastated... the one person who was real with me, the only one who listened, and the only one that could protect me from all the pain in this world was gone. I felt exposed, hurt, and completely betrayed. We broke up last June when school ended, and I didn't start to date until the following November. It was absolutely the hardest thing that I have ever had to do, and I don't think I'll ever stop loving him. Sure, I'm not in love with him anymore, but I'll always love him. Even now, when I hear certain songs, smell fireworks, or eat at Arby's, I think about him, and it makes me start to feel the same way I did right after we broke up.

The second time I started to fall in love with someone was last March. I didn't love this guy (I'll call him Bradley) yet, but I think with time, there's a good chance I could have. Anyway, he got kicked out of school for stealing from Walmart around mid May. To make a long story short, I have major abandonment issues. Those boys were not the beginning though - my dad took off one day when I was three, so I seriously have problems trusting people.

School and Such...

First of all...
I just realized that the way I described my school situation is really confusing. On Aug 16th, I put that I want to go away to boarding school, but on Aug 19th, I put that I do go to a boarding school. Both are true; I go to a boarding school, but I don't board [I really want to - I went away for a long time this summer, and I loved it]. I simply stay there as late at night as possible without being annoying about it. Luckily almost all of my friends board so it's pretty easy.

And now for the rest...
School... hmm. The people situation is really weird still, but I'm much happier at school than at home because of my mom and everything. Although I don't really connect with too many people, at least we have a good time. I mean really, bitching mom or hanging out while playing intense Guitar Hero? Anyone could make that decision. Oh, and I signed up for bowling as a joke thinking it was full. Apparantly, it wasn't because I'm now on the Bowling Team. haha I seriously suck at bowling. Anyway, the coach told me that they were really desperate for girls, so hopefully I'll meet a cool guy through it. I haven't been in a relatioship since early June, and I sorta miss it. On to classes and stuff though... I don't know if I'm going to pass this year. Haha, but seriously, I'm taking a lot of APs this year, and the regular classes are no walk in the park either. Here's my schedule:

Honors PreCal
Painting
AP English Language
AP Physics
AP US History
Digital Design

One of my friends is in my English class, and yesterday, when the professor asked her what her favorite memory of school was, she talked about a time when she and I left campus to get energy drinks at a gas station during a tennis match. It really was hilarious. We ended up spending almost $20 and drinking every drop, which gives you a little more than a kick... Anyway, it just made me really happy that she said that.

I also have my free period with three of my friends [this is extremely lucky... usually you're lucky to be with one]. In History we're talking about Ghandi. If you don't know much about him, you should learn some. He really was an amazing man. I can't believe that I'm almost seventeen years old and I barely knew anything about him at all before that class. Painting is, of course, amazing. We learn a few new techniques every week, and then listen to music and paint the rest of the time. Digital Design is actually really cool too though. It's a class where you learn to use Photoshop to it's full potential and code your own website from scratch, using the pictures. The coding is pretty hardcore, like what the edit page on Myspace looks like. type stuff. It sounds boring, I know, but it's really not at all. It's so much fun to see that you've made a website from a Notepad document. I guess once my site is done at the end of the semester [around early December], I'll post it on here.

I know I'm a nerd. I really don't care.
And for the record, I also like Nickelodeon and video games. :)

Who knew? You really can escape in a Jeep.

Today I drove.
I drove and I cried.
I drove too fast.
The speed clears my mind.

110, 120,
I've almost escaped,
Wrestling for control,
what is my fate?

I cry and I cry here,
tears roll down my face.
They'll never find me here.
No one knows this place.

I've passed the city limit now,
It's here I can think,
With no one to question
just why I'm so weak.

Black asphault burns,
Jack's lost in Dark Blue,
I'm finally alone now,
to discover what's true.


**The third to last line is a reference to Dark Blue by Jack's Mannequin. The lyrics are below. I always listen to that song (and the rest of JM's songs) when I'm depressed or something. Actually I guess I listen to them all the time, but especially when I'm upset.**

I have,
I have you breathing down my neck, breathing down my neck.
I don't,
don't know what you could possibly expect under this condition so,
I'll wait, I'll wait
for the ambulance to come, ambulance to come pick us up off the floor
what did you possibly expect under this condition so
slow down,
this night's a perfect shade of...

Dark blue, dark blue
have you
ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm
here with you
I said the world could be burning and burning down

Dark blue, dark blue
have you
ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm
here with you
I said the world could be burning till there's nothing but dark blue,
just dark blue.

And this flood,
this flood is slowly rising up, swallowing the ground beneath
my feel. Tell me how anybody thinks under this condition so
I'll swim, I'll swim
as the water rises up,
sun is sinking down and now all i can see
are the planets in a row suggesting it's best that I
slow down,
this night's a perfect shade of...

Dark blue, dark blue,
have you
ever been alone in a crowded room,
well I'm
here with you
I said the world could be burning and burning down

Dark blue, dark blue
have you
ever been alone in a crowded room
well I'm
here with you,
I said the world could be burning and burning down.

We were boxing,
we were boxing the stars,
we were boxing (we were boxing),
you were swinging from Mars,
and then the water reached the west coast,
and took the power lines, the power lines
and it was me and you,
the whole town underwater,
there was nothing we could do
It was dark blue

Dark blue, dark blue
Have you
ever been alone in a crowded room,
well I'm
here with you
I said the world could be burning and burning down.
[x2]

If you've ever been alone,
you'll know,
dark blue.
If you've ever been alone,
you'll know.

PS: Thank you to everyone that comments me! I promise I'll comment you back!! Since the world insists on torturing teenagers, we should insist on talking to help endure all of this.
:]

I cant get these people out of my head...

Why is it always that the greatest people in your life end up being really hard to stay in touch with? This is a problem for me, especially lately. My best friend's parents are sending her to Juvy for failing a drug test [She smoked some weed like 3 months ago]. I don't know how far away she'll be, but I'm pretty sure that it will be far from here, and I know that it'll be harder to talk to her.

I love the fact that I go to a boarding school - the dorm gives me a place to go at night where I can escape from my parents. However, every time people get kicked out [which happens a lot because they can kick you out for next to nothing] you lose a friend that you've lived with and really talked to on a deep level. One of my best friends from last year was kicked out at the end of the year. I'm not sure what school's going to be like without her this year. She and I had a lot in common, and she was one of the few people that I could talk to without being judged. She lives about eight hours away though, so I doubt that I'll ever see her again.

I'll also probably never see the girl that I talked about before... the one from Indiana. I met her at a pre-college program this summer, and even though I haven't known her long, I really care about her. We tried to get together a few times over the summer, but it never seems to work out. Once my parents said no because of the expensive plane ticket, and once I saved up enough money for one, she was at a family reuinion, and now we both have school. I can feel us falling apart because it's been so long since we've seen each other.

I guess I'm just feeling disconnected with some people that I'm really close to lately. I know that once school starts tomorrow, I'll meet new people, and I'll get over it to some degree. I'll still miss them though. I know that my bff will always be in my life, but the other people probably won't. I can't believe that I'll never see them again. I'm just terrible at letting go of people, and even though I'll never see some of the people I know ever again, and I have other friends, I still miss the people from my past.

Let me out, set me free, I've gotta be the one I'm supposed to be.

Well my mom seems to think that I should stay home more, and she can't see why I'd ever want to leave. When I asked her about the possibility of boarding school, she went into hysterics. I tried to explain my situation to her, but she doesn't really listen. From her point of view, it's stupid for me to leave home now because it's a waste of money and she thinks it'll make her look bad in front of her friends. I can't see why boarding school is embarrassing. Anyway, I have several really good reasons for going or at the least considering boarding school.

1.) I really am not happy at all at my mom's house, and my dad only has custody of me twice a month. My mom constantly picks fights with me for almost anything I do. For example, I wanted to get a job so that I could make some extra money to spend on the weekends, eating out, etc. She couldn't believe that I'd want a job. She told me that I should appreciate what I already get [money for gas but not much else]. I never once complained about the amount of money she gave me - I simply wanted a little change in my pocket. I can't see what's wrong with that. These fights generally consist of her yelling at me for about 20 minutes, guilt-tripping for another 20 or so, and they finally end with a 30 minute emotional meltdown about whatever is really bothering her. These fights happen almost every time I come home. I really can't stand the drama. I'm a laid back person, and I've tried to talk to her about it countless times. Hell, I've been in therapy for the last six months about it, and I just can't take it anymore.

2.) I am really different from most of the people at my school. I have fun with my friends, but I can't really connect to anyone I go to school with. I guess I'm just in a different state of mind than they are. This definatley includes guys. The last guy I dated felt out my friend, the guy before that talked about wrestling and football for three entire hours at dinner, and the others did other things of the same nature. The only guy I really enjoyed dating ended up moving across the country.

3.) Sports. My school has an obsession with sports. It is required that you take one after school every day. I don't really like sports. I'm not good at them, and even though I played tennis almost every day for over three years, I was still only the 7th best player on the team. I didn't even enjoy it. When I started to ask myself why I did it, I couldn't come up with a single reason. Soon my friend and I were skipping practice 2 - 3 times a week, and I realized that tennis was no longer important to me in any way. [I love art, but they don't offer that as an after school activity. I guess they decided to cut it out since there's no state championship for art.]

I guess basically I just don't feel like there's anywhere I really belong here in my hometown. My best friend is all I've got, and her parents have already agreed to send her away for school next year. I can barely take this now, and I can't imagine how hard it will be only seeing her on the weekends and talking on the phone.

My Life...

Okay so here's a little bit about my life...

I live in a world where I'm surrounded by shallow people for the most part. A lot of the people around me only care about a few things: status, money and themselves. I hate to say it but it's the truth. Honestly, I used to be one of them, but I re-evaluated everything, and I realized how off-track I was. Now my friends and interests have really changed, but it's for the best because I'm finally real.

My best friend. She's amazing. I don't know what I'd do without her. Yes, she's made a lot of mistakes in her life, but who hasn't? She's one of the best people I have ever known. She really cares about everyone around her, and she realizes that money doesn't mean everything. She also understands who I am, good and bad, and loves me anyway. I'll never be alone in this world as long as she's alive. Maybe we won't always be as close as we are today, that's unrealistic, but I know that even if I didn't talk to her for ten years, she'd still be there for me. How many people do you have in your life that you can say that for?

I have an angel. She lives in Indiana. I have more in common with her than anyone I know. I can relate to her with just about everything. Music, boys, life, definatley love, and almost anything else you could think of. I haven't known her for long, but we have a really strong connection. If there is another me in the world, I think it might be her.

Love. What a wonderful thing. I was blessed by falling in love at the ripe old age of fourteen. Some people have told me that you can't be in love at fourteen. They are wrong. I learned so much from being in love. Not only about the other person, but about myself. I also learned that love is not something that you can just forget about. If you are truly in love with someone, there is no way that you can hate them later on in life. My heart was totally shattered about a year and a half after falling in love, and as hard as it was for me, I'll never hate him. I'm not in love with him anymore, but I do still love him. I gave him a part of myself, and because of that, I'll never hate him and I'll never forget him.

N'est pas il merveilleux?

Last night i decided to go explore my neighborhood in the dark. At the end of our road, I walked down a long driveway to just see what the house was like and if anyone lived there. No one does. It turned out to be an empty mansion with a huge yard. As some of you may know, there was a meteorite shower last night so I decided to just sit there and watch it for a littlewhile.

Man what a feeling - the sky was a dark purpleish pink, and it was just absolutely amazing. I felt so safe there. I was connected with the world around me, and no one knew where I was [I live in a safe part of town]. No one could bother me. Oh what a sweet escape.