Hmmm....

Hello! So I'm back at my mom's house. Living with my dad felt so much more normal... and functional. It was almost weird because I've never had that normal family atmosphere. It's always just been my sister, my mom and my sister with my sister and I perpetually avoiding my mom. It was weird to actually enjoy being around my parents, well parent and his girlfriend. Speaking of her, I came home at night and she'd be there like cooking or something, and if I did badly at school, she understood. It was nice not to get into a huge fight about it for a change. She enjoys being around me, and she's just fun to be around. Like the other day, I was driving home on this four-lane road when I get a phone call from her. All she said was "I bet you can't keep up with me..." and then hung up. She flew past me, and then we raced the rest of the way home, which was like a mile. Anyway, I really liked living there. I was afraid it'd be too weird, but it just felt really normal. Now I'm just wondering why I didn't try it before.

Boy update... Hercules turned out to have a girlfriend back at home (why he talked to me for so long I don't know)... he's a boarder. I worked out with this guy I know yesterday at practice, and for some reason, now I'm really attracted to him. He's not buff though - just in shape. Buff guys are a turnoff for me. In my personal experience, buff = self-centered.

Now I'll Say Goodnight and Go...
[does anyone get the reference ?]
:)

Oh man what a day...

Okay so today I talked to my dad about boarding school, and he asked me to move in with him part of the time. I think he realizes that part of the problem is from my mom - not the school. I haven't tried that in the past because his wife after my mom was horrible [they finally got divorced last spring], and before that I didn't want to because I felt like he had abandoned me when he left my mom.

He just took off. No warning, just an empty house when we came home one day. Both of his cars were gone, and all of his clothes and everything were gone. My mom and my sister and I had gone somewhere, and when we got home, we knew that there was something really wrong because he had closed the garage doors, which he never did. I was only three, but I remember that day like it was yesterday. It's amazing how you can remember days like those so well, even fourteen years later. I think I finally trust him again enough to move in with him - at least for part of the time. It's going to be so weird because I've never lived with him before. Even though I hate living with my mom, I still can't imagine living with him. I've always just spent every other weekend over there, and even then I barely ever spent the night so it'll be a huge change.

I don't know what it will be like, but it's gotta be better than this. I think the last few months have done some damage that will never be undone. My mom and I have just said too many things to each other that you can't take back. I just need a new start. I'd like one for school too, but I guess if this is all I can get, I'll take it. Who knows what will happen, but I'm just going to make the best of whatever comes out of all this. The last six months have just been a blur for me emotionally, and I guess I'm starting to just get used to some pretty big aspects of my life changing.

Telling my mom was not pretty though. She took it to mean that I hate her, but I really don't. I actually think she is a good person on the inside. I'm just afraid that once school starts back up, we'll start to fight like we did last year, and I can't take that right now. Plus, I would like to have a relationship with her in the future, and I don't see that happening with the way everything is going.

Relationship Stuff...

Tonight, I went out with a group. My friend brought this guy she met somewhere, and he was really cool. I'll call him Hercules because he's a wrestler and he's pretty muscular, but not in a weird way... in a hot way :) haha. Anyway, Hercules and I sorta split off from the group for a while and we just hit it off really well. We walked to a pier on the river that runs through downtown. We didn't meet back up with everyone else until almost two hours later when she finally called me to see where we had gone. It made me happy because I haven't been in a relationship in a while, and the more I think about it, the more I miss being with someone. I don't know. It's fun being single too, but I just really need some stability right now with school and my mom and everything.

I really am going to try for this one. I sorta want to hesitate though because it seems like I always end up getting hurt when it comes to relationships. It's always me putting forth a lot of effort and then realizing later that it wasn't worth it. I've been in love once, almost twice, and it always seems to backfire. The first time I fell so hard that for the guy (His name will be Whit), that I seriously couldn't think about anything else. I was with him for a little over a year, and it was absolutely amazing. The end of that was really rough for me though. Right after we broke up, if I let myself think about it too much, I'd literally get sick to the stomach. It was terrible. I didn't think I could go on. I was totally devastated... the one person who was real with me, the only one who listened, and the only one that could protect me from all the pain in this world was gone. I felt exposed, hurt, and completely betrayed. We broke up last June when school ended, and I didn't start to date until the following November. It was absolutely the hardest thing that I have ever had to do, and I don't think I'll ever stop loving him. Sure, I'm not in love with him anymore, but I'll always love him. Even now, when I hear certain songs, smell fireworks, or eat at Arby's, I think about him, and it makes me start to feel the same way I did right after we broke up.

The second time I started to fall in love with someone was last March. I didn't love this guy (I'll call him Bradley) yet, but I think with time, there's a good chance I could have. Anyway, he got kicked out of school for stealing from Walmart around mid May. To make a long story short, I have major abandonment issues. Those boys were not the beginning though - my dad took off one day when I was three, so I seriously have problems trusting people.