Let me out, set me free, I've gotta be the one I'm supposed to be.

Well my mom seems to think that I should stay home more, and she can't see why I'd ever want to leave. When I asked her about the possibility of boarding school, she went into hysterics. I tried to explain my situation to her, but she doesn't really listen. From her point of view, it's stupid for me to leave home now because it's a waste of money and she thinks it'll make her look bad in front of her friends. I can't see why boarding school is embarrassing. Anyway, I have several really good reasons for going or at the least considering boarding school.

1.) I really am not happy at all at my mom's house, and my dad only has custody of me twice a month. My mom constantly picks fights with me for almost anything I do. For example, I wanted to get a job so that I could make some extra money to spend on the weekends, eating out, etc. She couldn't believe that I'd want a job. She told me that I should appreciate what I already get [money for gas but not much else]. I never once complained about the amount of money she gave me - I simply wanted a little change in my pocket. I can't see what's wrong with that. These fights generally consist of her yelling at me for about 20 minutes, guilt-tripping for another 20 or so, and they finally end with a 30 minute emotional meltdown about whatever is really bothering her. These fights happen almost every time I come home. I really can't stand the drama. I'm a laid back person, and I've tried to talk to her about it countless times. Hell, I've been in therapy for the last six months about it, and I just can't take it anymore.

2.) I am really different from most of the people at my school. I have fun with my friends, but I can't really connect to anyone I go to school with. I guess I'm just in a different state of mind than they are. This definatley includes guys. The last guy I dated felt out my friend, the guy before that talked about wrestling and football for three entire hours at dinner, and the others did other things of the same nature. The only guy I really enjoyed dating ended up moving across the country.

3.) Sports. My school has an obsession with sports. It is required that you take one after school every day. I don't really like sports. I'm not good at them, and even though I played tennis almost every day for over three years, I was still only the 7th best player on the team. I didn't even enjoy it. When I started to ask myself why I did it, I couldn't come up with a single reason. Soon my friend and I were skipping practice 2 - 3 times a week, and I realized that tennis was no longer important to me in any way. [I love art, but they don't offer that as an after school activity. I guess they decided to cut it out since there's no state championship for art.]

I guess basically I just don't feel like there's anywhere I really belong here in my hometown. My best friend is all I've got, and her parents have already agreed to send her away for school next year. I can barely take this now, and I can't imagine how hard it will be only seeing her on the weekends and talking on the phone.

My Life...

Okay so here's a little bit about my life...

I live in a world where I'm surrounded by shallow people for the most part. A lot of the people around me only care about a few things: status, money and themselves. I hate to say it but it's the truth. Honestly, I used to be one of them, but I re-evaluated everything, and I realized how off-track I was. Now my friends and interests have really changed, but it's for the best because I'm finally real.

My best friend. She's amazing. I don't know what I'd do without her. Yes, she's made a lot of mistakes in her life, but who hasn't? She's one of the best people I have ever known. She really cares about everyone around her, and she realizes that money doesn't mean everything. She also understands who I am, good and bad, and loves me anyway. I'll never be alone in this world as long as she's alive. Maybe we won't always be as close as we are today, that's unrealistic, but I know that even if I didn't talk to her for ten years, she'd still be there for me. How many people do you have in your life that you can say that for?

I have an angel. She lives in Indiana. I have more in common with her than anyone I know. I can relate to her with just about everything. Music, boys, life, definatley love, and almost anything else you could think of. I haven't known her for long, but we have a really strong connection. If there is another me in the world, I think it might be her.

Love. What a wonderful thing. I was blessed by falling in love at the ripe old age of fourteen. Some people have told me that you can't be in love at fourteen. They are wrong. I learned so much from being in love. Not only about the other person, but about myself. I also learned that love is not something that you can just forget about. If you are truly in love with someone, there is no way that you can hate them later on in life. My heart was totally shattered about a year and a half after falling in love, and as hard as it was for me, I'll never hate him. I'm not in love with him anymore, but I do still love him. I gave him a part of myself, and because of that, I'll never hate him and I'll never forget him.

N'est pas il merveilleux?

Last night i decided to go explore my neighborhood in the dark. At the end of our road, I walked down a long driveway to just see what the house was like and if anyone lived there. No one does. It turned out to be an empty mansion with a huge yard. As some of you may know, there was a meteorite shower last night so I decided to just sit there and watch it for a littlewhile.

Man what a feeling - the sky was a dark purpleish pink, and it was just absolutely amazing. I felt so safe there. I was connected with the world around me, and no one knew where I was [I live in a safe part of town]. No one could bother me. Oh what a sweet escape.