Hold on Loosely...

I see it all around you,
good lovin' gone bad.
Usually it's too late when you
realize what you had,
and my mind goes back to a girl
I met some years ago
who told me:
Just hold on loosely,
but don't let go.
If you cling too tightly,
you're gonna lose control.
You're gonna need someone to believe in
and hold on a space to breathe in.
.38 Special


Alright so tonight I got home around 10:00, and I decided to take a walk because I was just feeling really weird. I went down to this vacant house at the end of my street where I go when I need to think. I just sat there for a while and thought about everything that's been going on, and I realized that my abandonment issues are really effecting every relationship I have. I lock onto people too much I think, and it tends to end up with me caring about them a whole lot, and them not really caring much at all. The whole thing started when I was two and my dad left my mom my sister and I, but there have been others the rest of the way. I realized that this hole becomes really obvious to me whenever I don't feel included or people leave (I.e. they go to college, move away, go to rehab, switch schools, or whatever.) and then I try desperately to fill that hole, which leads to people pulling away when they actually wouldn't have in the first place - obviously everyone feels left out occasionally. I realized that I need to be okay with being left out from certain things, especially since all my friends now are boarders. I need to "Hold on Loosely, " and I also need to stop getting locked in too quickly. It's always hang out constantly, get really close, then all of a sudden, it's over. My relationships are always so intense - never gradually getting closer and closer. There's never a foundation, and almost every time I can think of, that becomes a major problem about six or eight months later. Looking back, the relationships that have lasted in my life are the ones where I've had someone else as my "number one" and I've slowly built a foundation with the other person.

This all sounds completely mad I'm sure - perhaps I'm losing my mind? Perhaps I'm finding it - who really knows the difference anyway?
:P

This Time Tomorrow...

This time tomorrow,
where will we be?
On a spaceship somewhere,
sailing across an empty sea?
This time tomorrow what will we know?
Wil we still be here,
watching an in-flight movie show?
Leave the sun behind me,
and I watch the clouds as they sadly pass me by,
several miles below me,
I can see the world and it ain't so big at all.
*The Kinks*

Today I had an SAT/PSAT prep class. Thinking about all that stuff makes me really anxious. Last year I did well on the PSAT and the ACT - a 206 and a 31, but I'm worried that I just got lucky on the PSAT. I'm so concerned that I stumbled across that score, and this year, the year when it counts, I won't do as well. We did a bunch of practice problems just to put out minds back into that gear, and I did alright, but not outstandingly amazing or anything! My school is starting to force us to focus on colleges on close to a daily basis in some way or another. College fairs, PSAT/SAT classes, colleges that visit the school, lectures in assembly and practicing for them in classes. It just seems like I should still be a freshman, the people who are college sophomores should still be seniors, and college should remain but a dream in my mind. I can't believe that in the next six months I'll have to pick 5 or so schools that I want to apply to and maybe even apply to one or two in June for early decision. I've been at my school since the 6th grade, and it's so weird to think of me outgrowing it when I've been a "little kid" there for five years. Here are some of my college choices as of right now (they change pretty frequently):

1.) New York University is my number one choice, at least for now. The school is amazing, but the art program in particular is unbeatable, plus my aunt is an entertainer there. She works for MTV/actors/designers there so I wouldn't start off totally alone in the city. Plus I'd get to meet some of her clients. ie Sway, Robin Williams, Kate Spade, Paris/Nikki Hilton, etc. which would be really cool.

[The rest - in no particular order]
University of Tennessee
University of Southern California
Boston University
Auburn University

Do you guys have any opinion on these? Thanks!!
=]

The Seasons Keep Changing, Whether or Not We're Blind...

[First of all, do any of you Jack's Mannequin fans get the reference?? Ah I can find some of his lyrics for just about any situation.]

Mmmkay so right now I'm just sitting at Starbucks, studying and enjoying the aura here. It's much more calm than at home with everyone in their own little worlds, plugged into laptops and sipping the over-priced coffee. Wow how much of a cliche am I right now? haha Anyway I can see why they do it, though.

Moving on...
Thank you for all your comments. I really thought about the USC decision today, and I think I agree with you guys. I'd miss the people here a lot, and I think I'd regret not being a senior in the end. Last night it just seemed so exciting, but I think actually going would be really stupid of me. I mean really, no senior parties, no worthless second semester. I'd just miss out on too much - not really academically, but with the people from high school. After all, Junior year has been death schoolwise, but I'm still enjoying it.

School's getting better and better as I catch back up to the rest of the people in my classes. With the exception of one math test, my grades haven't really changed that much either. I can't wait for Friday though - this weekend my best friend and I are taking a road trip to see one of my good friends that graduated last year up at UT. I haven't seen her since she left in August so I'm really excited, plus there's a football game. Football is really symbolic to me - to me it represents my southern heritage, the coming of fall and it just gives me this sense of belonging. I've loved the Vols ever since I can remember, and it's weird, but it's really one of the only things in my life that has stayed the same over the course of my entire life. I'm really not a southern-minded person at all, but there is definatley a special place in my heart for football. It's so weird how the most random things are what makes you feel the most centered/stable. Who would have guessed?
=]

USC? Next year?? HELP!!!

Alright, so the homework load is still absolutely killing me, but since I ranted about that last night, I'll digress to something more interesting I suppose. Today was a neat day in English class. We just went out into the quad and talked about how much our school's campus has changed and my teacher told a bunch of old myths/ghost stories from the 1800s about people that went to the school then. It was really fun actually. Plus I think my teacher is starting to like me more - I told him that this girl he taught two years ago was one of my best friends (she's in college now) and that seemed to help a lot. I guess she made a good impression...
=)

Anyway, this morning I got up and did homework for about two hours before school (10:00 start) at a coffee place that looks out over the river. It was really nice actually. I ate breakfast and no one bothered me. I'm going there more and more often though, which is also bad - I'm already broke and $4.00 for a cup of coffee is a little steep for me. Somehow I always manage to scrape it up though. Oh how I love my coffee.

On to more serious things...
Today when I got home, there was a letter for me from The University of Southern California. Inviting me to go there. Next year. I am a Junior. Apparently they have some program where you can basicly just skip your senior year and jump right into Freshman year there. I'm seriously considering going. After all, it's a good, well-known college and hello, it's in California... aka the love of my life!! I've been wanting to go to boarding school so badly, but only because college wasn't an option for me yet. I am really excited, but I have a LOT of thinking to do. Giving up senior year? I don't know if that's a good idea, I mean it's supposed to be the best year, right? Then again, all the seniors I know are pretty much worthless. They don't want to be in high school anymore, especially second semester, and they feel like it's just a waste of their time. Plus going to college would be amazing. Less busy work and more of studying things that actually matter - I know what I want to major in (well I think I do, but I can always change it). Plus my friend situation is still sorta weird. I have my close friends, but there's really no one else I hang out with because most of my friends from before have already graduated or live 1000 miles away. I feel like I need to branch out more, but I can't do it at my school because I already know all the people who go there. I want more friends that really matter - I want more. For now I'm just going to spend time with my existing friends because I see no point in hanging out with people where I've "already been down that road - " a road that leads to absolutely nothing but stupid girls who focus only on their boyfriends, what kind of car they drive, how drunk they can get or what they'll be doing this weekend. Who knows. There's a lot more to think about with that. I'm just shocked at the whole thing. I guess the idea of simply going to college a year early never even began to cross my mind.

Give me some opinions on that PLEASE!!! Was senior year totally overrated?? Is it amazing or just an aggravating wait for college? If you were in my situation, would you do it? Anything else you can think of? Thank you all so much!

=)

School = Death.

So I got back to school today and now for the next few days, I'm going to have absolutely NO life. I emailed every one of my teachers before I left to ask what I would miss and I got five "Oh not much, just get the notes" type responses. However, these were all complete lies accept for one class.

For English I have to read 80 pages in a tiny-fonted text book, write an eight paragraph essay on those, then write a research paper, take a vocab quiz with 35 words on it, and finally memorize a poem.

For Physics I have to do a ten-page lab (for a grade), and then answer eighteen pages of short-answer questions on said lab.

For Math I have to make a Power Point and teach the class Mathematical Induction as a project, along with three other "Quick Problems" that really take about 30 minutes each.

For Digital Design I have to re-do half of my project that's taken me the whole semester because the school's server (The school's network has space that you can save stuff to. Supposedly nothing can be lost from it - what a load.) was being updated and they accidentally deleted a bunch of student files.

And for US History I have to read and know twenty four pages in our text book for a test tomorrow that "slipped his mind."

I seriously just want to kill my teachers. I understand that I should have extra work - I missed two days of school - but shouldn't they have told me about at least some of this last week when I asked them about it so that I could start it? Or maybe they could let me turn it in at least one day late? I've been studying since 4 this afternoon and I feel like I've barely made a dent in it all. I'm so stressed out right now. It's totally rediculous. Is all this really necessary? Aaaah! Right now I just want to curl up in my bed and sleep and ignore the rest of the world.

Oh and this is a really random tangent but...
My music mood has switched from Jack's Mannequin, Tokyo Police Club and Hellogoodbye to The Beatles, The Kinks and The Arctic Monkeys. Don't get me wrong - I still LOVE all of the first ones, but I'm really afraid that I'll get tired of them if I keep listening to them constantly (haha). I watched this movie about ten days ago - The Royal Tenenbaums (An amazing movie by the way - go watch it if you haven't seen it. It's really different, but if you watch it with an open mind, it has so many really cool messages. Plus it's hilarious!) so that, in combination with hanging out with my friend's roommate who listens to those people more, started the phase-change I guess. Anyway, try some of those people if you haven't heard of them because they're amazing. Oh... and Ruby Tuesday by the Rolling Stones = Amazing!

Long Time No.... Blog??

Soo it's been a while since I posted - almost a week! Anyway, I'm sorry. It seems like it's been longer than that; I've been so busy!! Anyway, I went down to this camp last Wedenesday to Friday where I was a counselor for my school's Freshman Trip. It was okay. There were definatley ups and downs. It was hilarious to see how immature Freshman are. These last two years really have made a huge difference in my grade's maturity level. It's amazing. You just experience so much in those years, .and it makes you a completely different person. I was on waterfront, which meant that I had about 7 hours to myself in a kayak every day of the trip, while I lifeguarded, and with not much else to do, I thought. I started thinking back to when I was a Freshman, and it's amazing. I hung out with different people, I was totally superficial, I judged before I got to know them (Now I make a conscious effort not to), and I didn't hang out with people if I thought they were "Gothic," "Nerdy," or fit into any steriotype other than the preppy one that I filled myself. Looking back, I'm ashamed and shocked at how I used to act. I judged people based on what my friends thought of them - not what I thought of them, and that horrifies me. It was good for me to go on Freshman Trip. Not only because it looks good on my college resume and I got to miss two days of school, but because it was good for me to look back on the changes that I've been through during high school. I hadn't really thought about it much until now, but I'm just amazed. It also makes me wonder who I will be when I graduate, during college, and even farther into the future. If I've changed this much in two years, who knows where I'll be in three.