Hold on Loosely...

I see it all around you,
good lovin' gone bad.
Usually it's too late when you
realize what you had,
and my mind goes back to a girl
I met some years ago
who told me:
Just hold on loosely,
but don't let go.
If you cling too tightly,
you're gonna lose control.
You're gonna need someone to believe in
and hold on a space to breathe in.
.38 Special


Alright so tonight I got home around 10:00, and I decided to take a walk because I was just feeling really weird. I went down to this vacant house at the end of my street where I go when I need to think. I just sat there for a while and thought about everything that's been going on, and I realized that my abandonment issues are really effecting every relationship I have. I lock onto people too much I think, and it tends to end up with me caring about them a whole lot, and them not really caring much at all. The whole thing started when I was two and my dad left my mom my sister and I, but there have been others the rest of the way. I realized that this hole becomes really obvious to me whenever I don't feel included or people leave (I.e. they go to college, move away, go to rehab, switch schools, or whatever.) and then I try desperately to fill that hole, which leads to people pulling away when they actually wouldn't have in the first place - obviously everyone feels left out occasionally. I realized that I need to be okay with being left out from certain things, especially since all my friends now are boarders. I need to "Hold on Loosely, " and I also need to stop getting locked in too quickly. It's always hang out constantly, get really close, then all of a sudden, it's over. My relationships are always so intense - never gradually getting closer and closer. There's never a foundation, and almost every time I can think of, that becomes a major problem about six or eight months later. Looking back, the relationships that have lasted in my life are the ones where I've had someone else as my "number one" and I've slowly built a foundation with the other person.

This all sounds completely mad I'm sure - perhaps I'm losing my mind? Perhaps I'm finding it - who really knows the difference anyway?
:P