Relationship Stuff...

Tonight, I went out with a group. My friend brought this guy she met somewhere, and he was really cool. I'll call him Hercules because he's a wrestler and he's pretty muscular, but not in a weird way... in a hot way :) haha. Anyway, Hercules and I sorta split off from the group for a while and we just hit it off really well. We walked to a pier on the river that runs through downtown. We didn't meet back up with everyone else until almost two hours later when she finally called me to see where we had gone. It made me happy because I haven't been in a relationship in a while, and the more I think about it, the more I miss being with someone. I don't know. It's fun being single too, but I just really need some stability right now with school and my mom and everything.

I really am going to try for this one. I sorta want to hesitate though because it seems like I always end up getting hurt when it comes to relationships. It's always me putting forth a lot of effort and then realizing later that it wasn't worth it. I've been in love once, almost twice, and it always seems to backfire. The first time I fell so hard that for the guy (His name will be Whit), that I seriously couldn't think about anything else. I was with him for a little over a year, and it was absolutely amazing. The end of that was really rough for me though. Right after we broke up, if I let myself think about it too much, I'd literally get sick to the stomach. It was terrible. I didn't think I could go on. I was totally devastated... the one person who was real with me, the only one who listened, and the only one that could protect me from all the pain in this world was gone. I felt exposed, hurt, and completely betrayed. We broke up last June when school ended, and I didn't start to date until the following November. It was absolutely the hardest thing that I have ever had to do, and I don't think I'll ever stop loving him. Sure, I'm not in love with him anymore, but I'll always love him. Even now, when I hear certain songs, smell fireworks, or eat at Arby's, I think about him, and it makes me start to feel the same way I did right after we broke up.

The second time I started to fall in love with someone was last March. I didn't love this guy (I'll call him Bradley) yet, but I think with time, there's a good chance I could have. Anyway, he got kicked out of school for stealing from Walmart around mid May. To make a long story short, I have major abandonment issues. Those boys were not the beginning though - my dad took off one day when I was three, so I seriously have problems trusting people.